Only 90s Kids Will Remember These Fake Futures

first_imgStay on target 2019 in Sci-Fi: What Movies, Games, and TV Told Us Will Happen This YearWhat Can We Actually Do About Climate Change? What’s up fellow 90s kids? As a writer on the internet trying to get you to consume my content, the best thing for me to do is get you all nostalgic for our childhoods that really weren’t all that long ago. Remember Nickelodeon cartoons and slime? How about Power Rangers and Street Sharks? And who could forget those precious little Backstreet Boys? You see, those are easy to remember because they all (with the Street Sharks exception) actually happened.What you may not remember occurring are the visions of the 1990s presented by movies, games, and TV shows from before the decade. There’s something amusingly jarring about seeing distant futures technically set before the present. 2010 was not the year we made contact. 1984 wasn’t quite the dystopia Orwell foretold. We had to make a concerted effort to make Back to the Future’s self-lacing sneaker self-prophecy a reality, and if 2016 is any indication, the real 2019 will probably be even worse than the grim world of Blade Runner.In that spirit, let’s talk about the ultimately false predictions for the only decade that matters: the 1990s! Only 90s kids will remember these fake futures.Still from War for the Planet of the Apes. Via FOX.1. 1991’s Conquest of the Planet of the ApesRemember in 1991 when the son of a pair of intelligent apes from the future began to plot a simian uprising? After all, we had been keeping apes as slaves for nearly a decade at that point, so we really shouldn’t have been surprised. Remember when Caesar and his ape army succeeded in subjugating humanity only to treat us with some degree of compassion? Good times!2. 1992’s Eugenics WarsRemember in 1992 when we genetically engineered a race of supermen? Yeah, that didn’t really work out for the rest of us “lesser” humans. You’ll probably recall the most tyrannical Superman, Khan Noonien Singh, who ended up controlling a quarter of the planet before we finally defeated him. Hope that guy never comes back.3. 1994’s Mad Max WastelandRemember when the world started falling apart in the mid-1990s and roaming motorcycle gangs controlled Australia? If not for the brave police work of Max Rockatansky, one of these gangsters might have become a de-facto warlord of small innocent town. If we don’t settle this oil crisis, society could collapse even further.4. 1997’s Escape From New YorkRemember how New York City became such a wasteland throughout the eighties that by 1997 we just decided to turn Manhattan into a giant prison? It’s not like we had to change that much. It was already an isolated island full of jerks. All it needed was a giant wall and some guards. I just hope no one important ever gets trapped in there.5. 1997’s Judgment DayRemember in 1997 when that rogue A.I., Skynet, took control of our nukes and wiped out most of humanity? And then it made that army of spooky robot skeletons to finish the job? We really should have seen this all coming. Too bad we can’t go back in time and warn ourselves. That’d probably be pretty awesome.6. 1999’s Final Dracula BattleRemember how after centuries of battling Dracula at Castlevania only to see him rise again, we finally defeated the vampire lord once and for all in 1999? Yeah, the Demon Castle War really was something else. Dracula’s own son Alucard helped us out. I still get chills thinking about Julius Belmont delivering the final blow. Someone should make a game about this.7. 1999’s Destroy All MonstersRemember how in 1999 we rounded up all those pesky giant monster and dropped them off on their own island? Of course, we called it Monsterland. Too bad those aliens showed up, took control of the monsters, and unleashed them on the world. At that point, we’d already gotten pretty good at fighting Godzilla and his kind, but it didn’t make it any less annoying.last_img read more